Ah, The Places I will Go...

A funny thing happened on the way to...being spiritually awake. I started waking up, literally, at 5:30 am, without my consent. Most early mornings, sleep slides off my eyelids and wham! They fly open. I decided not to fight it. The universe was beginning to sound like a broken record version of "Proud Mary" with a twist. Instead of "Going to the River..." I was seeing and hearing "Flowing with the River..." everywhere. So, if the universe insists that I be up at the hour where roosters are still groggy, who am I to protest? Maybe the lesson for me is to learn how to take a nap. I'm still working on navigating that part of the river...

Not fighting the river has allowed for some pretty interesting opportunities in my life. For instance, this past weekend, I decided that since I am often so preoccupied with how am I going to get all my shoulds and have-tos done, I was going to do something a little different. I was going to believe that all is possible and just try and be in the present with the Today. For instance, often when we don't have the kids for the weekend (they are at their other parents' houses), I get very verklempt about sex. It is glaring, in neon, from the to do list. Doesn't that sound sexy? One could get performance anxiety just by looking at that list. Not to mention anxious and crabby. Always good tools for a nice, relaxed amorous exchange. So, I decided I was not going to hint about it, allude to it, even give the thought of it my time of day. f it were going to happen, lovely. If it wasn't, my relationship would not decay in a viral Lesbian Death Bed.

On Friday we had friends over for a Shabbat dinner. Fabulous Mediterranean food from Turkey, Israel, Egypt and Italy. All cooked by me, to my abstinent program specifications. I , frankly, cannot believe I get to eat like that. We has a beautiful, calm, connected evening with our friends.

The next day, I went to my 12 step meeting and refusing to schedule anything between that meeting and more friends coming over at 4 pm, I sprawled on the couch. I was practicing doing nothing, aspiring to be among the underworked. At 4 pm , our friends arrived with paper bags full of images, words, magazines, crayons, glitter glue and scissors. We each created a vision board. Ohmigawd! What a total blast! I forgot how much I like to just play. Talk about being present, You can't make a list when you are trying not to cut the around the ears of a child balancing, flying on a haystack. The words and images came to me. They seemed to imprint and transform the rest of the weekend and the week following it. I was so thrilled with the explosion of colors and vibrancy, that I woke up on Sunday morning, not thinking about food or sex, but rather where is my glue stick?

Let me tell you there's nothing hotter in th kitchen than a happy, excited, exuberant partner. As I said, all in good time. And a good time it was. A great, loving, sweet time.

But that's not all.

I realized since I can't fight this unemployment thing. I can do what I can do, but then I have to not let it consume me. I actually have the opportunity to spend some time with my son who is here this week. His brother is on a field trip with school. I did something extraordinarily rare. I choose to spend a relaxed afternoon with the son with whom I struggle most often. We took a walk in the radiant California Spring. I took him out for ice cream and myself for coffee (only decaf these days). We played dominoes and it was so fun even when he beat me (I can be a less than graceful loser...) We came home and all had dinner and played a new game where he beat me again. He is such a lucky boy! (so am I...)

He is still sleeping this morning,. He has no idea that I am planning on playing with him again and then helping him with homework. My intention is to have the same attitude as the past few days. It is written on my ten commandments Vision Board: "Levitate above worry" and "why teach when you can inspire?" Sounds like good intentions for the day.

I can't believe that I have such a good life. Great food. Great food for thought. Good grief, Charlie Brown, can I take it all in? Like water boring through a rock, I don't want to put my finger in this dike.