"Ex" marks the tender spot -Deconstructing Divorce

I have a friend who is considering divorcing her husband. Something big is missing for her - connection. She's heard and swallowed all reasons why she should stay: He is a great dad; he treats her well; He doesn't beat her or come home drunk; Men are different from women. You are asking for too much; Divorce is immoral; The kids will be devastated;

Frankly, the relationship's shelf life has expired. She learned, like most women, to put her needs last. She married him out of obligation. She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want to hurt all those that wanted them together. She didn't even put herself in the equation. Her mother did the same thing and my friend learned well how to take care of everyone else first.

I am not the type of person who advocates that people leave when life challenges them. I am not the type to side with one partner or the other. I do believe we ALL are doing the best that we can with the tools that we have. Some of us don't have many tools.I am the kind of person who believes that it's easy to blame the other person and that it's hard to take a look at our own stuff. I encourage friends and demand of myself to do the work we were meant to do and stop blaming others. I figure whether I do the work with one partner or another, it doesn't matter. My work will still be there, no matter who I try to blame and who is there to receive it on the other hand.

But I am also a huge advocate of taking care of one's self first and believe that each one of us has a right to happiness and to a full life on our terms. I don't think it's selfish. I believe it's self-full. I believe that when I take care of my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual self, I don't come from desperation to my other relationships. I believe that when I put myself first, then and only then, can I offer the best of me and take in the best of you. I truly believe that if kids see dependence, instead of interdependence, and interactions based on desperate financial or emotional needs, rather than the coming together of wants and willingness, they will continue to propagate that kind of a relationship.

Unfortunately, people get so obfuscated when the big "D" comes up. They think about their own relationships and some feel threatened. Some would ask the same questions, but are afraid to ask, because of possible outcomes. Some have asked the same questions, but have chosen or were coerced, by their fears or community, to stay, so their judgment may be harsh and swift. Some people have divorced and long for what could have been. Others divorced and were met by hostile family and community reactions, appalling behaviors from their "exes" or themselves. And often the loss of family, legally and emotionally, the loss of friends who felt they had to choose sides. My friend is petrified of all of the reactions above.

Somehow, it is still rare to find "amicable" in front of divorce. It is even rarer to find familial terms when introducing a former partner. It is as if it is required that a big "X" mark the spot of where all was lost and buried. Maybe that is why we call them "Exes".

However, if "X" or "EX" marks the spot, then there may be a possibility of a real treasure there. The treasure of raising kids to see and believe that relationships may end, but can also grow differently. The gems of being able to celebrate life together within a rich, extended family, inclusive of those with whom we have chosen to change the nature of our relationships. The radical notion of being able to expand our hearts and minds to embrace our former in-laws, so they become current in-loves. The Golden opportunity to trust that our current partners don't need or want to go back to their former partners, but that we, ourselves, are good and plenty and that they have chosen to be with us in a certain way AND that there's still room for the former administration in a different, safe, loving way.

I try to work on that last one all the time...

So to all the women who have settled for less than absolutely everything and to all the men who felt badly at not being able to get close and get "It", and to all the kids who felt that the ending of their parents' relationship meant the ending of civility and compassion and the beginning of the unbearable choosing of sides, and to all the family members and friends who didn't know how to feel or examine their own losses as a result of a divorce; here's a prayer:
May you find the "Exes" in your life and dig for the treasure that awaits all of us.